It's not so easy

The phone rang. There was that moment when your throat finds it hard to swallow. I lulled about, opened the cell and due to my dilly dallying, “the call” was missed.

I don't think I shall avoid it once again, it's that call that says, “I'm sorry there was nothing more we could do”. I knew. It was not fear that prevented me. It was my apathy.

Not fear of death or the unknown keeps us striving for holding onto life. No, it is LOVE. Love. Lo♥e. Sweet as honey. The same feeling that in a flash, disappears into a spiraling void.

Beyond our words a space exists in which the fantasy of moving into the shadow from form, we get a glimpse of a new plane where love remains the same. A sea of honey.

thank you sun, thank you moon

this language is not our own to own
taught words in order to be controlled

letting go of learning
laughing and only miles away

tingling to think of all that may take place
joy has given me a nod
and I stick my feet out the window
seat belt off and feel the freedom, freedom has to offer

for CC

inside OUTSIDE

sitting in silence on the inside
surrounded by an unending bell ringing
left aside to dry out in the sun
deflated like an ego

waiting for the rain
to wake me up

so i can begin my run
in this human race

silly thing unhappiness
can't snap out of it

too many secrets sitting
too many games being played

perhaps it is better if i cool in the shade
and chill for awhile rest my eyes

and begin again, anew

Sail You Home

I'm his safety net and I'm free falling without a parachute. Waiting for the next incredible tragedy to strike and test me just enough so that I may somehow show insignificantly that I'm strong enough to take it. Why is it the people I have loved have to test me by dying not once (near death) but twice and expect me to be accepting of them dying again. See, it's this whole letting go, "zen" mind process that I strive for but in this human money making machine driven life that I live in that concept of "accepting" really does not make half the sense that it should. All of this fills me with that deep aching that you know can go on for an eternity. I am a giving person, at the time though I may not be giving for the right reasons. Selfishness meeting selfishness and fighting it out to the death, for what? Is it worth it?

There has to be a breaking point and maybe this is it. Because this hollowness is equal to death. He says he loves and yet I am made aware each day of the finality of the bond made in that rainy sky that day I cried and said "I do". My changes have been more plenty of late, but that is only to accommodate the failures he is realizing of his own. I never asked for the stars. I only craved the safety and security he has found in me. Perhaps knowing it is there in me should be enough. Unfortunately it is not. Wisdom is a guessing game these days. Religion a playground. Science art without life. What is it for I fell into this light? Lightly I have not made of any of the mercy received, yet I feel I must be paying a high karmic price for the failures of not seeing the need to give of myself till the self is no longer an entity to be played with.