Sail You Home

I'm his safety net and I'm free falling without a parachute. Waiting for the next incredible tragedy to strike and test me just enough so that I may somehow show insignificantly that I'm strong enough to take it. Why is it the people I have loved have to test me by dying not once (near death) but twice and expect me to be accepting of them dying again. See, it's this whole letting go, "zen" mind process that I strive for but in this human money making machine driven life that I live in that concept of "accepting" really does not make half the sense that it should. All of this fills me with that deep aching that you know can go on for an eternity. I am a giving person, at the time though I may not be giving for the right reasons. Selfishness meeting selfishness and fighting it out to the death, for what? Is it worth it?

There has to be a breaking point and maybe this is it. Because this hollowness is equal to death. He says he loves and yet I am made aware each day of the finality of the bond made in that rainy sky that day I cried and said "I do". My changes have been more plenty of late, but that is only to accommodate the failures he is realizing of his own. I never asked for the stars. I only craved the safety and security he has found in me. Perhaps knowing it is there in me should be enough. Unfortunately it is not. Wisdom is a guessing game these days. Religion a playground. Science art without life. What is it for I fell into this light? Lightly I have not made of any of the mercy received, yet I feel I must be paying a high karmic price for the failures of not seeing the need to give of myself till the self is no longer an entity to be played with.